SFR 264: Paul And Stacey Martino Show How To Build A Solid Sense of ‘Self’ – Stephen Larsen

SFR 264: Paul And Stacey Martino Show How To Build A Solid Sense of ‘Self’

Jul 30th, 2019 anchorwave

You can have Money AND Relationships?? Who cares how rich you are if turn out alone and hating yourself…

I think one of the hardest pieces of being an entrepreneur speed of evolution, right?

I’m not even the same guy I was six months ago

In fact, about a month ago, I was chatting with my wife and she goes, “What’s wrong? can tell something’s wrong!”

And I was like, “Uhh, I can just feel one of those phases coming up. I feel another major self-development phases is about to happen again, “ and she’s like, “Oh, okay.”

Steve Larsen sense of self

…and she knows what that means.


Being an entrepreneur means that you’re continually breaking and rebuilding yourself over and over again.

One of the biggest issues I find in this game isn’t, “Hey, what model should I go try and execute?”

That’s NOT where people mess up anymore!

People mess up in their actual execution of the model

A lot of things I’m doing right now are things I first learned about funnels, (probably six years ago), before ClickFunnels was even out…

I’m executing are tactics that I learned FOREVER ago, but I’m growing I developing, and becoming a NEW person, a NEW individual – at an intense pace…

Steve Larsen healthy relationships

…which can be kinda tough on ANY relationship!

And who cares how rich you end up alone and hating yourself…


Stacey and Paul Martino are the REAL DEAL. They’re kinda the unofficial agony aunts of Russells Inner Circle.

There programs have saved 10,000 marriages from divorce.

Almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation…

But Paul and Stacey have a 1% divorce rate from their programs – which is Super cool!

They’re masters at helping people NOT just have a relationship with their significant other, but also with themselves.

Paul and Stacey Martino sense of self

So I asked them to share about kinda a unique theme…

I asked them how to become self-confident as an entrepreneur

I’m NOT saying you need to lack self confidence in order to benefit from what they’re about to reveal…


Entrepreneurship is the best self-development course you NEVER opted into.

And you’ll notice a lot of entrepreneurs, (the further they get into this game), have A LOT of confidence in who they are and their message…

… and it’s MOSTLY because they’ve been through the ringer and gone through lots and lots of self redevelopments…

Sense of self development

And with that much rapid change in who you are, and so much growth and development, ‘ the self,’ and the core of who you are, starts to get stronger and stronger and stronger.

So I asked Paul and Stacey

  • How do you gain a stronger self of self?
  • How do you gain self-confidence to actually execute all these models that I teach?
  • How do grow rapidly while still maintaining your important relationships?


I’ve NEVER done an interview like this – this is a BIG deal in the entire history of Sales Funnel Radio.

Paul and Stacey Martino self confidence

*This is a VERY powerful episode*

You’re gonna learn how I’ve been able to do A LOT of the things that I have in the past little while.

So I want you to stop and take notes…

If you’re driving, pull over and take the opportunity to really take this in.

Take notes on sense of self

I know it’s a little sidebar, (maybe a long intro here), but you have to understand that while I teach so much stuff on the podcast, (and some of you guys have been very loving on that)…

The biggest reason why people don’t actually have success with this game is that they don’t know how to be authentic with themselves and they have no relationship with themselves – so they can’t trust their actions.

Trusting self confidence

So it doesn’t matter what I teach, they can’t even do it.

So without further ado, I wanna welcome Stacey and Paul Martino, thank you so much for being here!

Stacey & Paul: Wooh! Thanks for having us even, yeah. So excited to be here, yeah!

Steve: I’m pumped, you guys are here!

I’ll be honest, I’m gonna be really jealous if everybody leaves my podcast to start listening to yours after this is over.

Sense of self podcast

Paul: That won’t be necessary….

Stacey: Everybody can listen to both! I listen to both.

Steve: Yes, that’s good, it’s funny…

So the Inner Circle meeting that we just all had together, immediately my wife and I watched your session again, (and, I think, a third time), it’s just super powerful stuff.

I’m really excited for you guys to be here ’cause it’s exactly what I was saying in the intro…

It’s very challenging for people to learn to trust themselves

I was the shy kid and no one knew that I was this raging storm on the inside ’cause I was afraid of speaking.

Steve Larsen develops self confidence

And so much of me doing this game, (I love it so much), is NOT just ’cause of the products, but because of the personal development that happens with it.

I know that that may not be much of an intro for what you guys really do, so could you tell everybody what you do?

Stacey: Yeah, awesome, so Paul and I are the founders of Relationship Development, and basically, Relationship Development is personal development for your relationship…

Every single day we help people create their unshakable love and unleashed passion using our unique methodology where it only requires ONE person to do the work to transform ANY relationship…

Transform healthy relationships

Our methodology works for:

  • Marriages
  • The Relationship You Have With Your Kids
  • Your Family Of Origin
  • Business Relationships
  • Clients
  • Potential Client
  • Your Relationship With Yourself

… whatever your relationship is we teach the real tools and strategies, (that nobody ever got), to actually navigate life as your best and most authentic self and have your relationships rise up.

So you have NOT only the tools for the best and most authentic you, but also the tools to relate to other people in the world around you in a way that lifts up that relationship instead of breaking it down…

…and that’s fundamentally what we do, and that’s our mission in life.

Steve: You’re insane at it! You’re so good at it, oh man. So good!


Steve: Just like I was saying before, we teach so much stuff and the world is loud and noisy and the checklists are HUGE.

How does somebody actually begin to remove the noise?

(By the way, *You’ve found the answer* 😉

If you guys are watching or listening, you don’t need to google ANYTHING else #HowDoILearnAboutMyself?

You found them, okay! I wanted to bring Paul and Stacey to you on show, and I’m excited that they’re here…)

So how does somebody actually go learn about themselves? How do you start that process?

Learning sense of self

‘Cause for me, it was REALLY uncomfortable.

Stacey: Yeah, and I think for A LOT of people it’s really uncomfortable (and I know you can speak to this too, Paul).

I started our journey over 20 years ago, I don’t know if you were even alive when I started?

But I think that the key is when you’re left on your own to try to learn how to navigate life, (by figuring out who you really are, and how you’re going to be ok with being who you really are)…

While living in a World with a lot of other people who have expectations and desires for who they want you to be…

For a lot of people, it is either too scary, or gets too confusing, and they jump off.

And so for me, the key is ALWAYS something we teach called The Hand of VladPaul, do you want to do Vlad real quick?

Paul: Yeah, I can do Vlad…


So when you need someone to guide you somewhere, you always wanna reach for what we call The Hand of Vlad.

If you imagine Vlad is this infant who is swinging on a trapeze with his mother.

His mother is raising him, rocking him to sleep, while she’s on the trapeze holding on with one hand, and does her flips…

Vlad’s Grandmother, Grandfather, Father, Mother, all of them, the whole family, for generations, has been doing nothing but trapeze.

And they feel completely comfortable up on the trapeze.

The hand of Vlad sense of self

So, when you want to learn how to do the trapeze, for example, you want to have someone like that who grew up on the trapeze.

The whole family does trapeze and that’s their comfort zone.

Where for us, we climb up that tall ladder to the trapeze, and we get to the top and stand on what Stacy calls ‘the cracker at the top’…

You really want to get to the cracker on the other side, but to get there you have to go across these trapeze swings that are coming back and forth…

So, you don’t want to do that all on your own.

You don’t want to be the one that’s up there on the cracker waiting for that trapeze to swing your way, and then jump hoping you can grab on, flip over and catch the next one to get you to the next cracker, right?

You want to find someone who is already navigated the trapeze and knows how to do it all so easily that it’s just effortless for them…

And, instead of *you* doing the work, *they* know how to do it.

And what happens is, if you reach for the Hand of Vlad, it’s basically the same as standing on that cracker waiting, and out of the darkness swings Vlad

Vlad reaches out his hand and he is like, “Take my hand, and I’ll get you where you want to go.”

Sense of self helping hand

Steve: Yeah.

Paul: And if you don’t take his hand when he swings over there, he’ll disappear back into the darkness again, and maybe he’ll come back for another swing, he’s like, “Take my hand, I’ll take you where you want to go.”

And if you want to get there, your best chance at getting there with the least effort and the fastest way is just to take Vlad’s hand – he knows how to get you across.

So, we say ‘reach for the hand of Vlad,’ that’s his comfort zone, and instead of trying to figure it out how to do trapeze for 20 years and practicing, and trying not to fall

Stacey: Maybe you get there, maybe you don’t.

Paul: Maybe you don’t get there…

And then, even worse, this is what happens to people…

People try to find their way somewhere, and if they don’t reach for the hand of Vlad, (that mentor), what happens is often, at some point they feel pressured or desperate, and they just take that leap…

And when they fall, then they say “Well that’s just not for me. “That’s just not possible for me. I can’t get to where I want to go.”

Giving up on sense of self

…and they kinda give up.

They think that the fall meant that they shouldn’t do this, it dissuades them from getting there… when in reality, the mistake they made was just NOT reaching for the hand of Vlad…

The hand of someone who’s already done it, who can get them there.

So, whenever anybody is reaching out for someone like you, or Stacy and I…

You know, we all have our gifts, we all have our zone of expertise – we are all the Hand of Vlad, (in some form or another), for each other.

So, really you want to start with someone who has already navigated the path so they can help you get there.

So that’s the first answer to your question.

Steve: So, try to find a coach, somebody who’s been through that in the past.

Paul: Yeah.

Steve: And there’s a lot of coaches out there…

Which is what I was trying to tell everybody, you don’t have to look anymore, Stacy and Paul Martino.

Stacey and Paul self confidence

I feel like most of the Inner Circle, all of our problems go to you guys, and we all get better because of you.

Paul: We’re always glad to help.

Stacey: And we’re happy to serve, absolutely.


Paul: The funny thing is we came into this world authentically who we are.

Stacey: Amen.

Paul: And then we get developed this sense of self, and we start looking around and comparing and judging ourselves against others, right?

We start trying to figure out what we want to be…

Throughout life, it’s not about necessarily learning how to become authentic, it’s learning how to stop becoming unauthentic.

Figuring out your sense of self

Instead of us adapting throughout these years, trying to be like something else, it’s truly about understanding what’s at your core, and how to peel back those layers

… which is NOT so hard.

It sounds difficult, but it’s NOT actually that hard to get past the layers that we developed AGAINST our authentic self.

Stacey: Yes.

Paul: And getting back to it really drives you…

  • What’s authentic to your core?
  • What’s in your heart?

…and one example of this is pleasing versus giving.


If you think about it, a lot of times, we do something that we don’t really want to do but we’re doing it to please someone else just for the sake of pleasing.

Sense of self pleasing

And when we do that, we feel a little bit like, “I don’t really want to, but I’m gonna do it because it’s the right thing to do.”

But what happens is, often it’s not received, right off the bat, in the way we really meant it to be – it kinda falls short, and then it boomerangs back as resentment.

And even when we do please over and over and over, after a while we start to build up of that resentment…

  • I don’t really want to do this
  • I’m always doing this.

… it doesn’t feel right.

And yet, one of those coping mechanisms we’ve learned over the years is like, “I have to do this, so I’m going to please this person.”

However, the answer was ALWAYS there…

If you have intentions for someone, where you feel you want to help them, there’s ALWAYS a way to give without looking at it as pleasing.

What is it that I can authentically give from my heart and feel good about when I’m giving?

Healthy relationships giving

… and that’s the subtle difference of starting to find your way out.

That’s one example of finding your way out of the conditioning that’s happening to us over the years as we learned to become something that we think we’re supposed to be for others versus…

  • Truly showing up authentically as ourselves feeling good about it every day
  • Getting to know ourselves because we’re learning, “This I can give, and I can give it all day long and always feel good about it.”

I’m gonna stop pleasing just for the sake of pleasing, but I’m going to find a way to give it to that person in a way that they can truly receive the gift.

And whether they take the gift or not, it doesn’t matter. I’m giving it anyway.

There’s no expectation of return, and I ALWAY get to feel good about that.

There are subtle shifts that we can make to start deprogramming ourselves from what we thought we should be, versus what we truly authentically are.

Stacey: Awesome.

Steve: That’s fascinating.

So, I love that…

You have to unlearn unauthentic because we were already authentic at some point

… that’s fascinating.

There was a book that always sat next to Russell’s desk in the first office that I was working with him at in, and on the back cover it said, “You don’t learn interesting, You unlearn boring.”

…it reminds me of that.

We’re born with so much of this cool stuff and so much of these cool powers.


I hate throwing the rocks at the school, but it’s reality!

You learn so much of these train tracks that we follow, and then suddenly you graduate, leave school, or whatever… and the track suddenly ends…

Learning healthy relationships

…and you’re left to build them on your own.

There’s this weird pattern that I’ve found that unless someone has built their own tracks before in their life, they have a very hard time executing what we’re showing them to go do.

So how does somebody start navigating their own life?

Stacey: Yeah, so one of the things that’s so big for us is learning how to navigate life.

Navigate sense of self

What you’re describing is the perfect example of living a life in reaction, versus living your life in intention.


See, most of us grew up, (like you’re explaining), living our life in reaction..

  • …in reaction to our folks
  • …in reaction to our teachers
  • …in reaction to our friends

We say something, and all of our friends around us are like, “Eww!” And we’re like, “No, no, no, me neither, eww!” (Like immediately, right?)

Because the pain of being…

  • Shunned
  • Judged
  • Made fun of

Sense of self judgement

… is just too great.

We’re in school and we don’t want to be wrong. Every time we talk, we get in trouble…

And then, all of a sudden we find ourselves in business, and if you don’t talk to your neighbor, you’re dead, right?

So, like, “What is this?”

Because I’ve been trained for 18 years NOT to talk to my neighbor to get the answer, and now I wonder why I’m having a tough time asking for help in my business.

So, it’s important for us to start learning that ANYTHING I’m doing in reaction, is wrong, and it’s my opportunity to live free.

Sense of self freedom


Living free means living a life by design instead of a life by default.

Life by default is living in reaction to everyone else around you.

So instead of checking in with your head to see…

  • What have I been told that’s right?
  • What have I been told that’s wrong?

A life by design is where you check in with your heart and ask:

  • How do I feel about that?
  • Does that feel aligned for me?
  • I know they told me that’s right, but that just doesn’t feel right?

Listen to your heart to find sense of self

Your heart will never steer you wrong.

When you follow your heart, you can do no wrong.

Now you need to partner that with a toolset so that you can live authentically…


We call it *The AuthenticityTrap*

Some people swing in the opposite direction to this life of conformity that we’ve been raised in, and they end up in what we describe as The Authenticity Trap.

It’s like, “I gotta be me, and to heck with you if you don’t like it! Blah blah blah.”

Self confidence trap

That’s NOT awesome!

I get it!

The whole thrill for you that you want to be free…

… but telling everybody where they can go is NOT exactly creating a life by design.

Believe it or not, you just swung the pendulum in the other direction – you’re still living in reaction to everything that you’ve been through – it’s still controlling you.

Your hearts NOT telling you to tell everybody to take a flying leap. You might just be feeling…

  • Defensive
  • Done with it
  • Mad because the blinders are off


Your heart will always lead you to an authentic place

Authentic sense of self

The thing that people are missing when it comes to taking *that step forward* to living authentically, is the fear that comes up for most people which is…

“Okay, so how can I do this without hurting and disappointing everyone around me?”

Who has an expectation for I should be, or who I am?

Steve: Mhm, totally.

Stacey: And that’s just a skill set… it’s a skill set.

The gap between “I need to be authentically myself,” and “I don’t want to create pain on the other side,” is a skill set of learning how to be able to speak in a way and relate in a way…


So that there’s the *you* piece, and there’s the *you relate* piece.

The *you* piece is, “I need to live my life by design and stop everything that I’m doing” – that’s life by default.

The *you relate* piece is because ‘relationship’ is nothing more than *you* plus *you relate*.

Relate to self confidence

The *you relate* piece is, “Alright, so how do I…”

  • Show up as a team with my partner?
  • Show up in service to my children?
  • Still be part of my family of origin without prioritizing my family of origin over myself and my primary family?

These are tools that we actually have to learn. It’s part of the relationship education that no one ever gave us.

Paul: Part of learning is going back to what we’re saying in the beginning, it’s *unlearning*.

Unlearning self confidence

And part of that is we want to make a change, (and then that great example you just gave), which is…), but everybody has these expectations of how I’ve been showing up and they expect me to be that way.

Part of it’s the unlearning a pattern but people struggle with that, ’cause they feel like they’re

  • Confrontational
  • Concerned about how someone will react (“Are they gonna push me away)?

One of the tools to start freeing you from that feeling is instead of seeing it as a conflict, you want to start recognizing that if you’re NOT being authentic to them, you’re actually holding back from them.

Your best sense of self

You’re holding back the best self that you have for them.

They will love the authentic you so much more, and you’re being disingenuous by not being your authentic self with them.

Stacey: Amen.

Paul: You’re not being that true friend, you’re not being the son that your mother really wanted to know, right?

You’re being someone who is been modified, rather than the true person that people want to see you for.

Your best friend, who’s been like, “Man you’re so much happier now. I don’t know what’s going on, but I see this difference and you’re so much happier.”

That comes from your own authenticity

So the first sort of fingertip grip we want to peel back on is that…

You’re doing people a disservice by not becoming your authentic self. You’re holding back what the world needs from you.

  • We all come here with gifts
  • We all come here with our unique personality

…and anybody who loves you, anybody who cares about you, and really wants the best for you – they want to know the real you!

They don’t want to see the modified you, they want to really get to know the real you, the unique soul that you are that came onto this planet.

So when we start coming from the perspective of instead of being conflict, “I need to do this for the sake of my relationships with my mother, with my friends,” … whoever it is that we feel like it would be unusual for us to show up differently.

“… they deserve the real me and not something else.”

If you think about it in reverse…

Would you want your friend NOT to be genuine with you and to put on a facade to some degree to help make you feel better? Or would you want them to feel free?

Freedom of self confidence

Especially as a man, right? We resonate with that freedom, like, “No, I want you to be free, free to be you!”

So, when we start to see it for what it really is, it becomes easier to start letting go of that fear that it’s a conflict, and start embracing the fact that is actually a gift, not only for ourselves but for…

  • Everybody that cares about us
  • Everybody that we know
  • The world in general

…because the world needs EVERYBODY to bring those unique gifts, and not to mute or modify, just to please others. So, yeah.

Stacey: Let’s put a real crack in this blueprint, because you’re almost there, let’s just annihilate this forever.

Steve: Let’s do it.

So, any time you’re telling yourself that you’re holding back on being your authentic self is actually what other people want from you, I’m just gonna shatter this for you right now…

The truth is, (and this is scientific! This is not my theory. This is not a guess), when you show up pretending to be something you’re NOT, you energetically and strategically convey the message to the other person:

“It’s not okay for me to be who I am, and let me tell you something, it’s not okay for you to be who you really are.”

So, I’m telling you right now, “I’m pretending to be something I am not, and I expect you to be something you’re not too, so let’s go!”

Steve: Yeah.

Stacey: And the minute you release that, and you show up as your authentic self, you immediately convey to them:

“Hey, I’m going to be real with you, you can always be real with me.”

Real sense of self

Now that’s service.

Paul: And who do you trust now?

Steve: Yeah, that’s so huge, you know?

Getting someone to own and have the confidence to even execute what we’re teaching – that’s one of the MOST challenging pieces that I try to do, and you guys are the experts at this.

I heard somebody define confidence as self-trust, and I was like, “That’s really, really cool.

Stacey: Amen.


Steve: I started reading David Goggins and similar things, (and really there’s a lot of heaviness in certain things from those people), but I appreciated what they were still talking about, which is that…

You gotta show up authentically, or you’re literally not living.

You’ve got this shroud over you all the time.

Stacey: Amen. Yes.

Steve: So, what else can somebody be doing to…

You know, I’ll talk as if I was my young, shy self here…

Let’s say I know that I don’t have confidence, (not even just confidence in general), like…

  • There’s no way I deserve to do these Funnel things.
  • There’s no way I can go and actually be a successful attractive character, or a business person.

Steve Larsen low self confidence

Let’s say I know I have these inhibitions, what’s the first step that I should start taking to start switching that?

Stacey: Alright, this may sound completely out of left field,–

Steve: I’m loving it. Already.


Stacey: Anytime you’re saying something like that, you’re being MASSIVELY selfish.

Steve: Interesting. How so?

Stacey: You’re focussing ONLY on *YOU*…

Selfish sense of self

For example, when you say:

  • I can’t
  • Who am I to?
  • There’s no way I can…

You’re absolutely right at this moment – you’re gonna get nowhere

Steve: Nowhere.

Stacey: … if you’re ONLY focussed on yourself in life with all of your fears tied up and looking just at you.

There are times when I’ve been out on a ledge too, like metaphorically…

  • I don’t know if I can do this!
  • It’s so much!

We all end up at that panic point, at some moment, as things start to scale.

Luckily for me, my husband knows my blueprint really really well, and he knows exactly what to say which is:

“Stacey, what about the kids? What about the kids in that house of the person who hasn’t found us yet? What about them?

Who’s going to stand up for them if we’re not there tomorrow? Let’s get back out there, and let’s reach that family.”

Paul and Stacey Martino healthy relationships

Steve: I love it.

Stacey: And then all of a sudden, guess what? There’s no fear!

… because it’s NOT about me.

It’s got to be about somebody more than you.

There’s somebody whose life is going to take a very different trajectory if you don’t show up, and interrupt the yellow brick road of their life with a solution.

If you’re not going to be their Vlad, who is going to swing on the bar?

They might jump into the abyss if you don’t show up.


So the first step is a pattern break…

Every single time you start saying things like that, catch yourself: “If I’m making it about me, I am wrong, I’m being selfish. I refuse to live like that anymore, not a single day.

So how can I make this about something more than me, something bigger than me, someone else other than me?”

*That’s the first step out*

Paul: And the truth is, all of us have learned this sense of who we are and this sense of identity – we created over time.

It’s what we’ve chosen, and it’s what creates the model of the world that we work within – this blueprint that we keep talking about.

Fortunately for us, we’re kind of like computers in the sense that we run programs, and we’ve run that one program really long, but we can always change the program…

Sense of self change

… we just weren’t aware of our perspective of relationships in the program.

We thought we were in the program, and that we couldn’t do anything about it, and that it’s just running.

The truth is, we’re observing it, and we can actually change it.

I was in IT years ago, and I used to make fun of people who put the little quotes all over their computer, (the big giant computer monitors back then with a 10 ft widescreen, crazy big things)…

And they’d put all these little quotes all around them, and their family pictures and stuff, but I’m like, “Why would they put all this junk around, (not the kid stuff, but the quotes), all-around their computer monitor?”

Stacey: And then one day!

Paul: And then one day, I found a quote from like 5000 BC – I found a quote from Lao Tzu. That’s the American pronunciation, it’s like ‘Lao Suh’ I think if you pronounce it properly.

But anyway, I found this quote and I found myself printing it out on paper, putting tape on… and I put it on my monitor because I wanted to look at it every day -it goes directly to this point.

As I let go of what I am, I become what I may be – Lao Tsu

It’s the process of letting go of what we thought we were that allows us to become what we may be…

But as long as we believe ‘what we are’ – you’re under the influence – you’re inside the bubble of it.

But when you can step back and say, “As I let go of what I am, I’m allowing myself to become what I may be,” it’s sorta like that first baby step in acknowledging the fact that…

I am not fixed. I am not what I think I am. I can change.

And you can see that all the time with people who go through significant emotional episodes…Something happens to someone, (good or bad), and they change.

Steve: Yeah.

Steve: There was a great book on that, Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Oh, you have it, yeah!

He’s a plastic surgeon, and he changed someone’s face a little bit, and their whole life changed because they allow themselves to believe that they’re now someone different – that they were someone else.

It wasn’t the actual mechanical changes he made, it was the belief that “Oh and now I’m someone else.”

We don’t have to wait for a significant emotional event to throw us into…

  • A different experience where we are forced to show up a certain way
  • Finding ourselves having new features from our personality.

*It’s a choice*

But we don’t think that can happen to us because we believe that voice in our head is us. We believe that what I am is what I am, but we are so much more than what we give ourselves credit for.

We just don’t take a step back to say:

  • I’m in the driver seat now.
  • I see where I’ve been.
  • Today’s a new day.
  • I’m deciding where I’m going to go now.

Stacey: Yeah.

Paul: Like Stacy is saying, now I’m going to start breaking that pattern, and I’m shifting because today was the last day I’m going to be that, where I’m going to be in this situation, and tomorrow is the day that I take my first step.

In fact…

Today is the day I take that first step towards the new tomorrow.

Stacey: Amen.

Paul: So it’s that change, but we have to do it consciously, but we get so caught up on day that we don’t see these things happening.

But you can actually break this down and step back, and start shifting it without life happening by default to you, and finding yourself somewhere you didn’t want to be.

I’m going back to your point, ‘the railroad tracks,’ we want to design that track, and say *this* is where I’m going. I’m going to start building that track today. I’m heading this way.

So, I think that sums it up.

Steve: You know, it’s funny …you guys might be able to see it. Ah? Maybe?

There are just tons of quotes on my ceiling.

They’re not on my monitor, they’re all over the ceiling.

Stacey: We are surrounded, you can’t see our walls, but we have like literally painted 8 feet across on our walls, we’re surrounded by 30 or 40 quotes in here.

Paul: Yeah, that’s the best.

Stacey: That’s what our office walls are, they’re painted right on there.


I ran out of wall space, so I’m going to the ceiling then!

Stacey: Amen.

Paul: That’s commitment.

Steve: One of those quotes that, I think it’s up there right now, goes along the same point you’re saying:

How would the person I’d like to be, do the thing I’m about to do?

Stacey: Amen.

Paul: Yeah.

Steve: I love that because it encapsulates all this stuff. If I can get somebody to fill in the blank, “I am a —–!” (whatever it is…), and own it, they turn into Superman…

… they do so much stuff that’s so awesome!

I never thought that I’d be talking about this kind of thing EVER… because I’m like, “Oh, it’s all about the marketing thing,” you know?

But in reality, you can’t even do that stuff unless you are actually at peace with yourself and who you are, and being authentic about it.

Stacey: No question.

Steve: Let’s say this is my old self speaking through me, how can I interact with those I love that don’t like my new path? I know that’s wanted.

Stacey: This is what we do all day every day.

Paul: It’s very common. Yeah.

Stacey: So, here’s the thing we have loads of tools for this… Walk them Across The Bridge? Or Right Hand, Left Hand?

Paul: I think Right Hand, Left Hand. Steve, would you say that it’s because you’ve chosen to be entrepreneurial? Is that where your specific example is for?

Or personal development, is that sort of where you’re coming from?

Steve: I’ll go teach this stuff, and I find that most people, if they can believe that, “Yes, I can be a… blank,” the next one they ran into is, “Dang it, my relationships!”

They don’t know how to actually go through that now that they’re owning what they want.

Stacey: Yeah, OK. So, there are so many tools and some of them are really situational, right?

For example:

I am no longer going to put my family of origin before my primary family, now how do I handle that conversation with my mom, because we’re not coming to Christmas Eve like we always do?

…those things are situational and we have scripts for, all that stuff, and there is a skill set for all of them…

But honestly, the biggest one is the right-hand, left-hand tool that I know that you know, that you know we teach about how to navigate life with people who are different to you.

So, there are actually three groups of people in your life:

  1. Toxic People
  2. Your Seventh Power
  3. Your friends and family.

Now, toxic people, we can talk about another show, but they are the people that no matter what you do, there’s no making them happy.

Toxic people are in a downward spiral in life, that’s just where they are, they’re in a bad place.

Nothing will make them happy, because they don’t want to be happy, and there’s really nothing we can do for somebody who’s toxic.

Now, we’re going to talk about the other two groups of people, because they’re really the primary groups.

# Your Seventh Power is Your Tribe

  • People that you grow with.
  • People that you listen to the podcast and send it to them
  • Read the book, and talk about it with them
  • Go to the event and then spew everything from the event with them… and they love it.
  • The people that you pitch and catch with
  • Grow and expand with
  • You help them, and they help you
  • They reach down the mountain and pull you up
  • They get behind you and kick your butt all the way to the top if you’re NOT reaching your potential fast enough!

That’s your Seven Power Tribe.

Now with them, you do all of these conversations, you tell them about the book, you tell them about what you’re doing, you tell them all about the event. They support you, they validate you, and you do that back with them.

# Your Friends and Family Group, (which is the largest group in your world), they are NOT on that path.

Steve: No.


  • They’re not into personal development
  • They really don’t care about the book
  • They don’t want to hear about being an entrepreneur.
  • They’re not into growth.

Here’s the thing…

That does not make them toxic!

Like, I don’t know when that became toxic!

Steve: Are you sure? Because I got some stories.

Paul: I’m sure you do.

Stacey: And yet, A LOT of people, (even the most well-meaning people), say, “You can only surround yourself with positive people, people who get your journey.”

That’s NOT cool!

  • You still have your marriage
  • You have kids, you have family

You don’t need to shut those people out.

It’s a disservice, it’s just a skill set that you didn’t have before. So we teach this tool, Right Hand, Left Hand.

Put out your right hand, put out your left-hand.

  • Your right hand is your friends and family group
  • Your left hand is your 7th Power.

Pain happens, when they come together and when you don’t know what hand you’re in.

Steve: AMEN!

Right hand, left hand sense of self

Stacey: … when you’re with your friends and family, but you’re treating them like they should be in your 7th Power.

  • You’re telling them all about the book you’re writing, and they’re like, “Uh, who do you think you are?”
  • You’re talking about the awards on your wall, and they’re like “Uh, why did you do that?”
  • They say, “Hey I’m taking this pill for this thing,” and you’re like, “You should do the 21-day raw food cleanse with me! Just did it, it’s awesome! The dairy is killing you, don’t eat that pie, let me tell you about sugar.”

And you just start vomiting all of your personal development all over them. *THEY DON’T LOVE IT*

I know we all mean well, everybody means well, but the minute that someone experiences a difference between themselves and someone else, they get uncomfortable.

Steve: Ah.

Stacey: It’s just wired into the human condition.

And most people have been wired with this win-lose dynamic, where if there’s a difference between me and you, one of us is right, and one of us is wrong.

I need to make you wrong because I cannot be the one who’s wrong at the end of this day.

And so, unfortunately, when they experience the difference as you grow, as you elevate, they have two choices:

  • Elevate with you
  • Make you wrong.

Most people will choose:

  • “Ugh, what do you think you are?”
  • “What? Do you think you’re better than me?”
  • “You’re in a cult with your brainwashing and all your stuff. Go dump more money into that, why don’t you?”
  • If you know they have to poo-poo it because they’re uncomfortable and they end up feeling rejected…

Like, somehow you feel that you’re better than them, or that you have these new lenses and you’re probably going to be judging them….

You’re not, but it’s really hard to get out of the blueprint of feeling that when you’re not doing personal development, and you don’t see things that way.

So, your role, how do you navigate?

*Please don’t cut them out of your life*

…because for probably more than half of you listening, one of them is your spouse!

Steve: Alright.

Stacey: This is life!

  • You’re still married
  • You’re still parents
  • You still have family

… this is your job, so know your role.

First of all, when you’re interacting with someone, know what hand they’re in.

  1. Is this a right-hand or a left-hand person?
  2. Know your role.

When you’re with your friends and family, you only have one job. Give with unconditional compassion. That’s it.

Just give with unconditional compassion, no judgment for where they are.

You don’t need to talk about yourself, you don’t need to seek validation from them.

You don’t need to be like, “I don’t get it, why my mom doesn’t see that I’m not the same that I used to be, and I keep telling her ”

That’s a conversation for your 7th Power person, but when you’re with your friends and family, just show up, and give unconditional compassion.

Actually, we ALL could use some development in the area of being able to give unconditional compassion without judgment. So, your family is your gift for you, because honestly, you, me, everybody, we need to practice…

And they are your practice.

Everybody on this earth is a wonderful, beautiful person, and they’re having their own journey, and nobody deserves your judgment.

What better place to practice your skillset of unconditional compassion, then with your friends and family.

And so, the beauty of having a tribe, and having 7th Power is you get it to fill up from your 7th Power so that you have what to give with to your family.

Steve: So incredible, that was incredibly powerful. I learned that from you guys, and while you were teaching it, and I was like, “That’s why!”

I was like, “I need to shut up, okay!” And that’s OK!

It was very very key for me, a BIG moment.

Guys, I want to thank you so much. So everyone is listening, (and for you guys as well), my wife and I have talked about you A LOT.

The things that you guys have taught are amazing, it’s truly applicable immediately. It’s not like, theory theory theory theory, it’s not.

It’s like, “Hey, here’s the tool, here’s how to use it,” and there have been times, (even recently), I’m like, “Drop the sale!”

…it’s impacted my life a lot.

Stacey: Amen.

Steve: So I want to thank you a lot.

Where can people find out more? Because I want everyone to go experience the true Martino power.

Stacey: Well, I’m sure you’re going to share a link for the free web class, that is what I really highly recommend. We put together this free online training for the kind of stuff that Steve’s talking about right now.

Paul and I don’t do theory and crap. We do real, simple tools

Paul: No psychobabble.

Stacey: it’s for real families.

And literally, when you consume this free training class, you will see a result before your head hits the pillow tonight – that’s how fast this works.

So we did like a two and a half hour real training, and it’s totally free where we literally teaching you what’s been invisible in your relationship dynamics that’s been causing you pain, and we make it visible.

You get the tools to actually shift it and show you how it only takes one person to transform any relationship, and that’s ALL in this web class.

So, definitely check it out. That’s what I would say to start with.

Paul: It’s funny, cause I say the same thing about you. Like, what I love about you, (I know we were talking about this the other day), what I love about you is that you take things that are sort of accepted, and then you question it…

You’re like, “Wait a minute, what is the doctrine?” And then you start breaking things down, and you’re like “Hold on,” and we make these discoveries, right?

And the clarity of the truth of discoveries that you find become so powerful, but what you’re doing is the same thing that we’re doing in relationships.

You’re showing them like, “Hold on, let me peel back the layers, so that you can see it now, so you know how to really do it right.”

It’s kinda the same thing with us

All we are wherever we’re lacking (in any area) is the clarity to see what we can’t see you right now, and to have someone peel back the layers, because once you see it… now you can do something about it.

That is a life by design

Even this whole episode, it’s Sales Funnel Radio, but I love how you brought in like, “Hey, not being authentic is a big deal if you want to make sales,”

Imagine that like, you’re doing their old radio announcer, like, ” Well, I would like for you to do….”

Like, nobody wants to buy from somebody who’s got that fake voice, right?

Being authentic, and being yourself, people are like, “I like that person. I trust that person.”

And they’re going to create sales by being authentic, and you have that vision.

I love how you bring your visions with such clarity to the people that you serve, and how you can see all those pieces, and how they’re all related – just like how ‘relationship’ is applying here.

A relationship with yourself is applying Sales Funnel Radio

… yes, it matters to be a part of it!

So anyway, I just want to honor you for doing that, and basically, that’s what we’re doing here, too…

Same thing, but just for relationships.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. So huge.

Guys, make sure you go to awesomemartino, as in, ‘Martino’s are awesome.’

Go to, and you guys can check out their free web class.

I learned this from Paul and Stacey, also…

A relationship isn’t something you have, it’s something that you do.

…that blew my mind.

And, when I realized that, I was like, “Crap, I’ve been treating it the wrong way.”

So I’ve been learning to *do* relationships, not just with myself, but all the other loved ones I have in my life.

And, I want you guys to have love in your heart for *you*, as much as you do for your message and those you serve.

So please go over to, and you guys can go check out their web class.

Guys, thanks so much for being on today.

Paul & Stacey: It’s always a pleasure to be with you.

Hey, if you haven’t noticed yet, you will.

Entrepreneurship can be hard on relationships.

Entrepreneurship is nothing more than a learnable skillset, and relationships are actually the exact same.

This is NOT something I normally talk about in my material, nor would I act like I’m a pro at it – because I’m not. But I do know who it is.

Paul and Stacey Martino are some of the most impactful people I’ve seen in my life.

As of today, they’ve helped save over 10,000 marriages, literally.

Since your business can only grow to the level that you do, (which includes your relationships with others, and yourself)…

I wanted to dedicate an episode here in letting you know who is actively helping relationships flourish.

I’ve experienced their genius first hand and wanted to tell you some of the same wisdom in your life.

Training on healthy relationships and sense of self

Yes, it’s for you, even if your relationship is great, and no, they don’t teach rah-rah methods.

Right now they have an awesome free training at

Simply go to with paper and pen, and watch your entrepreneurial life gain even MORE color.

No one wants to arrive alone, and it’s frankly a failure to do so.

Learn the skillset of relationship from Stacy and Paul Martino, by going to now.

The post SFR 264: Paul And Stacey Martino Show How To Build A Solid Sense of ‘Self’ appeared first on Sales Funnel Radio Blog.